Hey SnoFlakes! So yet again, it has been a year since I have written. This seems to be the norm with me. I promise I am going to try and do better. Grab yourself a glass of tea and let’s get to it. Although I warn you, get some tissue. CRY Post alert!
I hear people say all the time, “Life is a funny thing”. It truly is. I feel as if life is a game, and if you play it right, you can win! But what if it isn’t in our control? What if you just have to play with the cards dealt? What if no matter how much you plan, make wise decisions, be kind to others, even show unconditional love, no matter all those things, life can throw a punch in the gut that can take the wind out of you. Let me explain.
If you follow my blogs, you know that the last two years, I have had one turmoil after the other. 2018 was going great, everything had aligned with the stars, life was good. Then, BLAM! November, my mother became ill. Long story short, I ended up missing every holiday through Valentine’s day, at the hospital. I brought her to Alabama, and she loved it there, for a while anyway. After she got back to her stubborn, and healthy self, (now I know where I get it from), she wanted to go home. Home to the town where I and my brothers were all born and raised. She had never left in 46 years. Mom didn’t care for the big city of Birmingham, so I took her home.
Jump ahead to 2020. Life is back to normal, I am working my real estate, Life is good. I am telling you all this to get to a point, I promise. Just keep reading!
On January 12, three days before his 54th birthday, Freddie says he didn’t feel well. Now this man is NEVER sick. Mind you he had minor blood pressure issues, but it is under control. Or so we thought. So he proceeds to go lie down, being he has to work tonight. Freddie works in the coal mines 15 hour days, 7 days a week. He’s done that for at least 6 years. Oh, every now and then he will take a two or three-week vacation. So, my film family and I are downstairs, filming a short movie. They were there all the time, always a house full of the film crew, just hanging around, swimming in the pool, or like today, “let’s make a movie!” as Bill would say.
Afterward, everyone has cleaned up, and gone home, except a couple of close friends. “Has Freddie gone to work?” I asked. No one has seen him. I get a funny feeling, I go upstairs, and there he is lying face down, across the bed, in the same position as earlier. He hasn’t moved. Button and Jasper is laying by his head. I touch his leg to wake him up, and he is cold. COLD COLD. Now let me tell you, all the emotions going through your body at a time like this. Even now, a year and a half later, I am tearing up. Immediately, I lost all my senses, began screaming for help at the top of my lungs. Chad runs up, we call 911, but it’s too late. By the time they arrive, he is gone.
In a split second, my whole world, my best friend, my husband has left me behind. What do I do with that? How do I breathe? Our kids! How will I tell them? He will not see his grandsons grow up to be just like him.
The next two weeks, hell, the next year is all a blur. I don’t remember the funeral, who was there, who sat where, or even what was said by Pastor. The funeral was filmed, (why I did that I have no idea), but I watched it over and over for months on dvd. I blamed myself. If only. If only I had checked on him. Did he go in his sleep? Or did he call my name? Did he suffer? So many questions. I never got to say goodbye. I guess the funeral was a way to keep him here, if for at least a little while. It finalized it. Then, one day my best friend found me watching it, and took it from me. Thank you. I was keeping myself in a state of depression. I had to move on she said. At my own pace, but I have to.
Remember at the beginning when I said what if you can’t control the cards dealt? Perfect example. What do I do now? Do I just stay in bed, and never decide to go out in the world, and enjoy what is left with the rest of my life? No, I think not. When a person gets dealt something of this magnitude, you turn to God. At least for me, that is what brought me out. I got up, went to church, and cried all the way home. All I saw was Freddie standing at the door. I went to a friend’s birthday party, they were playing music, couples everywhere. I saw Freddie. He was a bluesman at heart. A dj of blues, known for his skills. The point is, everywhere I look, I see him. And even though I was sad, it was also comforting to know, he will always be with me. There is a permanent imprint on my heart that will never go away.
I am doing well now. That’s another story, but I have made it through the hardest part. Learning to love my own company. Learning to move on, and carry Freddie with me.
So I told you all this, not to make you cry. But to Encourage you. Your situation may be worse, or not as bad. But when life punches you, it’s ok. Take a deep breath, stop, think, pray, and move forward. It looks bad now, but we can’t see what God sees.
So get up, put on your big girl (or boy) pants, and let’s enjoy this crazy, wonderful, short life we are given! If I can do it, so can you. I am here if anyone ever needs to talk. YOU GOT THIS!
Dedicated to Freddie Lee Wilson 1/16/1966 – 1/12/2020
If you or someone you know is dealing with depression or would like emotional support, the Lifeline network is available 24/7 across the United States.
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